socialworker musing

Down in Austin

2011-07-19T20:20:00.002-05:00

I drove to Austin today to be with Lawyer Girl and the Baby Nematode while Scientist Guy is out of the country educating the heathen masses on the treasures to be found in itty, bitty viruses (virusi?) The little Nematode is crawling almost as fast as I can run, pulling up to a stand, and doing all appropriate age-related activities. He still has the charming personality where he gets a big grin on his face when I walk in, even though he has not seen me for several months.

Spent a week at Stephen Leader Training, where I picked up a strep bug but put it quickly on the run. I am seeing much more of my soulfriend which continues to amaze and delight me. Life proceeds apace.

New Life!

2011-07-06T10:17:00.005-05:00

I have not written on this blog for many months. I went through quite a slump in the winter months where I could see clearly what I had lost, but had no inkling what God would send in its place. Sort of a "dark nights of the soul" period where I felt like huddling up with my dogs around the fireplace, cuddling up on my sofa. Thank heavens for good friends like Sharon, Freda Marie, and Ann and others who listened to my heartache and assured me that God did have a plan for me but I needed to be patient and let it unfold. My children and my brothers kept checking on me, thank goodness. And the grandbabies kept demanding that Life continue on.

Light did return to the world along with the early and constant heat of this blistering Texas summer. I have some new interests which are coming to fruition, and I feel younger and stronger than before. I lived with Fred's illness plus his impending and actual death for a long time. I cannot and do not regret one minute or one dollar spent on our time together; it was so rich and wonderful to be with him and all I can do is to thank God for letting me have Fred in my life. I would wish him back in a heartbeat if I could have my healthy, sweet husband back with me. But God took him home because his dear body could no longer bow to his will any more.

I am blessed with a new soulfriend in my life, and with other new friends and activities. Thank you, God for remaining with me, even when I could neither hear nor see You for a while. I am ALIVE and WELL!

It's November!

2010-11-12T10:22:00.002-06:00

It seems like today is our one day of Fall in Texas. Some of the leaves have changed colors but this fall our temps have been too high to get maximum color out of the leaves. Oh well, maybe next year.

Overall, I am still doing very well. I keep almost too busy but my friends and family have been fabulous at keeping in touch. This lifts my spirits tremendously. Honestly, my primary emotion has been one of gratitude for the many gifts from Fred and God, my home, my family, my job, my friends, and the overpowering sense that I am truly loved. I am a bit wary of the upcoming holidays as I do not want to get maudlin and depressed. Somehow, I don't think that the grandchildren will let me! And we have the new baby to look forward to in January...a granddaughter! But I am planning to spend Christmas snuggling up to my wonderful grandsons, all of them!

Lifechanging Events

2010-10-05T09:34:00.002-05:00

August added Samuel Scott Sullivan to our lives. Little Sam arrived at 9 lbs 11 oz, and is absolutely beautiful! He enjoyed sleeping on my chest a number of times, which his Nonna enjoys even more than Sam does! Lawyer Girl and the Virology Professor are great parents, and all is well in Austin.

While I was in Austin, Tex stayed in respite care for 4 days. When he came home, he developed another urinary tract infection, which ultimately took him Home on September 22nd. His death brought great sadness and a tremendous appreciation for the ways this kind and loving man touched the lives of those around him. I was privileged to be holding him as he gently left this world, and for that, I am profoundly grateful. I honestly feel that "he's only going over Jordan, he's only going over home" as the song says. Life is and forever will be greatly changed.

Waiting and Waiting for Baby S.

2010-08-19T18:01:00.003-05:00

I am having a hard time waiting for my daughter's baby to come. It has brought up memories of my labor and delivery of my two children, both of which were pretty positive experiences. Part of it is that I know what she is facing and she does not. It will be unlike anything she has ever done before, something where your intellect does not get to be in charge, where your body takes over, and you work HARD. Lawyer Girl is in very good physical shape, she has exercised this whole pregnancy, and the baby seems to be in very good shape. Nevertheless, I am having a tough time relaxing and going with the flow, wanting it to be over. She is much more relaxed about it than I am.

Waiting for the newest creation

2010-08-14T16:33:00.003-05:00

Any day now we will get to meet the newest little creation of Lawyer Girl and the Mad Scientist. Is he going to be known as the Nematode Brief or the Microvirus Lawsuit? He will certainly make a major splash in the Gr-Su pond! All is ready for him now, lovely nursery, excited parents and grandparents... Any time little guy!

Midsummer Dream

2010-07-16T09:32:00.002-05:00

My neighbor reminded me yesterday that summer is half over, and school will start in six weeks. Where has the time gone? I have done so very little in the way of accomplishments but a great deal of resting, relaxing, and napping. Mornings are my favorite time of day. We have coffee out on the deck nearly every morning, visiting and watching the birds. I kept buying plants and flowers until I found some that I could not kill, so the backyard is pretty and fragrant. My dear friend in the neighborhood often stops by after walking her dog. Sometimes Tex is up with us, and sometimes not. His health is on an upswing right now so we are able to enjoy the mornings together. Life is sweet in the mornings. I am learning to look for and accept the things of beauty that the Lord has provided.

Post retirement

2010-06-11T09:39:00.002-05:00

I haven't blogged in a long time, and I am not sure why. So much going on, with the end of school and the actual fact of my retirement. It has been an emotional time, even though I know this is the right thing to do. Mornings we sit out on the deck and have coffee, watching the birds. Sometimes with Fred and sometimes with my neighbor Sherry. I have had a lot of errands to run, and seem to have settled in for a quick nap while Fred sleeps in the afternoon. I try to read but instead, I match his breathing and go to sleep.

End of the Year and the End of a Career

2010-05-08T10:33:00.002-05:00

One of the things I wanted to get done before I retired was to get the house in good repair. Even though I am retiring a year earlier than I had planned, I am actually getting it all done. My fabulous contractor Jody has put in 10 new windows in the back room overlooking the pool, along with moving the door around to the north side of the back yard. This gives us a gorgeous view of the pool and plants. We will also have a gated deck so that the little grandchildren can actually play outside. I never thought that I would live in such a beautiful house as this is turning out to be!

I have taught my last class; all that is left is to balance the grades, write the annual report, and pack my things and bring them home. Closets have been cleaned out, lots of stuff given to the church garage sale, and even the office has been improved some (I have to have a mess somewhere or it won't feel like home.)

The students and faculty gave me such a tribute last Friday night at the BSSW Student Banquet that I am still enjoying the glow from it. I feel that at the apex of my career I was respected, loved, and going to be missed. What a great way to leave! One of the things I have always believed is to leave while people still want you to stay.

Here is what was written on the plaque they presented to me:

ANNA RAE ROZELL
For impeccable service and dedication to the social work field.
You were a mentor, an advocate, and you motivated us to succeed.
You made a difference in our lives.
The BSW students of UNT.

Then each one of the students wrote an individual note as well.
Who could want to accomplish any more than this?

April Thoughts

2010-04-11T11:59:00.002-05:00

My flowers are abundant this spring--lots of pansies, daffodils, coreopsis, batflowers, and the first iris bloomed yesterday, the Megan Elizabeth iris! I am actually enjoying some of the work I have done in the flower beds!

I seem to be a somewhat different person right now. Fred came home about 10 days ago; far from feeling trapped in the house with him, I am enjoying taking care of him at times. He cannot walk, he can hardly make transfers, I often have to feed him because of the severe tremors, and he can't be left alone. But I find myself strangely peaceful about it all. It is wonderful to have him to kiss and cuddle. Of course, there are moments when I don't know what to do and feel panic, but mostly, I am quite content staying in the house with him. Part of this is because of the wonderful support system we have, with hospice nurse and aides, Janine is back from Kind Companions, friends coming by to visit etc. If you had asked me even a year ago if I could care for him when he is bedridden, I would have said "no." How often I forget that God gives us the grace to deal with each day as it comes.

An Emotional Spring

2010-03-18T09:17:00.003-05:00

It is Spring here in Texas, trees blooming with white pear blossoms everywhere, daffodils coming up etc. And Tex is still in the hospital, having spent 10 days at home since the middle of November. Lots of UTI's which can no longer be prevented, according to the urologist. He wants to come home; I want him home. After being on the 24 hour care circuit for 4 UTI's in 4 months, I think we can care for him as well at home. The emotional issue is whether or not to initiate hospice care. I believe that it is time. Bird Girl is leery that her father will not get the care he needs to fight the UTI's agressively. It will take a combination of hospice and home health care to do that, now that he only responds to IV antibiotics. I think that we can do this, and that he needs to be home. Maybe he can pull off another miracle; he has done this before. Maybe our time together is running out. Regardless, we want to spend it together. Please keep Tex, me, and our whole family in your prayers.

Year 21

2010-02-27T16:22:00.003-06:00

Tex has been back home for a few days now so we are slowly laying down some new routines. He is in a wheelchair now so getting around is a bit more cumbersome. The lightweight folding chair is a godsend! It is soooo good to have him home!
It has been good to have the part-time caregiver back to help out and to teach me some easier ways to do things. He wants to try going to church tomorrow; keep your fingers crossed for us.

We had a fabulous 20th wedding anniversary party, just two weeks ago! Lots of family and a few dear friends came to celebrate with us. The food was delicious and the company was even better.

All is well on the home front.

Walking in a Winter Wonderland!

2010-02-11T18:09:00.002-06:00

Well, chickadees, it has been snowing and snowing and snowing here at the R & R Ranch. Here in the Lone Star State, we get an occasional inch or two of snow, which causes everyone to get all excited, schools to close, and we all have a SNOW Day. Now, I have lived in cold country and I know what real blizzards are like, but we are having a blizzard here! So far, between 7 and 9 inches. And it will ice over tonight! Yipes! What that really means is that I will not get to go to GrandFriends Day at the Little Cowpoke's school. Darn!

Other news: Tex and I have been married for 20 years, as of yesterday. We are going to have a luncheon for family and a very few friends on Saturday. (Weather should permit!) Being married to Tex has been remarkably easy, all things considered. A few life situations have been thrown at us, but we are more in love than ever. That boy has a capacity for love that is absolutely phenomenol. I have truly learned about God's love from watching Tex.

His health seems to have stabilized although there continue to be UTI's. So, we are planning to have him come home after the DOK retreat. Hooray! We know his health is fragile but God has brought us this far, and there have been some very good years while his body continues to do its Parkonsonism thing. We have been truly blessed!

Mid-January Goings-On

2010-01-20T08:29:00.003-06:00

The Ranch house is getting knee-deep in dust again as the workmen gut the second bathroom! But I will love having my walk-in shower and vanity area updated. I picked out the tile yesterday, spending a fortune at the local Lowe's. Tex's bathroom is completely done, complete with matching towels, etc. Unfortunately, the vanity is piled high with both Tex's and my bathroom gear on the top.

Tex himself is making slow progress, but progress nonetheless. With the help of a wheelchair van, I was able to bring him home for a few hours on the weekend. It wasn't easy, but it was doable. Why was I so exhausted afterward? I am going over to the Rehab center to work with him on getting in and out of our car, so I don't have to spend $$ on a van next time.

I am loving having more time at home to get things done, even things like yardwork (eek!) and laundry etc. I guess my Inner Housekeeper is coming out. (Honest, no one has ever even seen a glimpse of her before. Not in my whole life.)

When I was feeling really blue on Monday, I piled into my trusty Honda and took a trip to East Dallas to have lunch with my son Bud and the two Little Cowpokes. It did my spirits and my heart a world of good just to be with them for a couple of hours. The 6 year old Cowpoke gives the best-est hugs and just grinned when he saw me come in. The Baby Cowpoke smiled, gummed his finger food, and showed off his new self-feeding skills. They are such wonderful, wonderful kids. Not that this Nonna is prejudiced but I am simply reporting the facts.

Dryheat Dan called me last night to tell me that his Mother-in-law Kathleen had died yesterday, at age 83. Evidently it was a very peaceful death. I have had such love for her ever since she helped my mother with my dad's death. I'm glad that I got to visit with her a few months ago. She was a beautiful and gracious lady, who was cheerful, loving all those around her, even as she slid quietly into senility. May Light shine upon her, and all those who loved her. My sister-in-law Irish Ani took care of her for the last few years of her life, until she simply required 24 hour care. I am reminded once again what good people are in my family. Please pray for the soul of Kathleen, and comfort in grief for Ani and Dan.

New Year/New Life

2010-01-07T12:23:00.002-06:00

Well, it's official. I am going to be teaching one class this semester while I exhaust my leave balances and work one quarter time! Hurrah! Hurrah! At the end of May, I will officially retire from UNT. I actually decided to retire at the end of January and adjunct one class, but this arrangement works out better for us financially as well as having the advantage of keeping things clean with the Teacher's Retirement System which says I cannot work or volunteer in any capacity for 30 days after retiring. It will give me more time to be with Tex as well as be much less hectic than the last 60 days.

Also on a happy note, I had dinner with my dear friends from the Pastoral Care group which has been more or less dissolved by our new Deacon. We decided that we would meet quarterly as a group since we have become so close over the past years. I absolutely love these ladies and have missed getting together with them as a group over the fall.

My house is covered in dust and a bit of mess as the contractors are working on my new bathrooms, one of which is being widened for Tex and one of which is being turned into a lovely shower for me. It should all be back to normal in a couple of weeks.

Well, I need to go see Tex at his Hacienda Por Rehab on this bitterly cold day, one for the record books. Fortunately, very little ice came with this Arctic Blast.

Somber Advent

2009-12-19T07:02:00.002-06:00

This entire advent season has been a hard road, with Tex being in three hospitals, one rehab center, and he will most likely be going to a skilled nursing facility this week before Christmas. His level of alertness is up and down and all around - after two absolutely clear days he was totally confused for the last two. Sometimes I can handle it all, and sometimes I can't. My Dearly Beloved Cousin called this week and gave me a wonderful gift of Words and Tears. Now, I can sometimes cry when I realize that he is so very ill. I had nursed a secret hope that he might be strong enough to come home for the day on Christmas, but I doubt that can happen now. All I can really say is, "Lord, be mericiful."

This is A Hard Season for so many people I know. But the donkey trudges on to Bethlehem, and Christ will be born on Christmas Eve. Hallelujah!

home or Home? Or, maybe, someplace else.

2009-12-09T08:54:00.004-06:00

After I spent timelooking into Rehabs & skilled nursing facilities, it looks like Tex will be going to a Long Term Acute Care facility for a couple more weeks of IV antibiotic therapy. Hopefully, they can also build up his ability to swallow and take in enough liquids by mouth. Then maybe to a rehab facility where they can build up his muscles (and level of alertness) to where he can come home? I really have to face the fact that I don't know what is going to happen, and leave him in the Hands of God. I really don't like that! I want to be in charge! My prayer has been to "heal him, Lord, so he can come home - or - just take him Home. None of this long-term care stuff!" Sometimes God says, "my time is not your time." I'm not too crazy about that answer but it seems to be what I am seeing take place.

Advent- the time of coming

2009-12-05T14:03:00.003-06:00

Advent is the time of "coming." I am now a little bit hopeful that Fred will get back from his 2nd hospitalization with this round of illness (in Lewisville Med Center this time), and will "come" back to rehab for a period of strengthening, and will "come home" in time for Christmas. He is responding in his more usual way to the antibiotics and hydration that he is receiving this time after his kidneys began to shut down in rehab. I think that he needed this extra round in the hospital to give him a chance to beat down this particular infection. I truly have been much more calm since he went into the hospital on Wednesday. He is "coming back to himself" instead of having his mind wander in the ozone constantly. He can even crack a few jokes again! Thank you for all your prayers.

2009-11-27T14:45:00.000-06:00

Fred is a little bit better today, thanks be to God!

Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-27T07:28:00.002-06:00

What a different Thanksgiving! Woke up and gave thanks for many things, from the blessings of electricity to taking an early morning walk with my dear Neighbor Friend. Then went to the Rehab Center to be with Tex, who is worse than I have ever seen him. I fought tears. Then Tex's beautiful daughter Bird Girl and her husband came. Bird G. is so wonderful with her Daddy that I was touched. Also very thankful that she had invited me to share in her sister-in-law's Thanksgiving dinner. Saw Tex again last night and think that we may have to move him to a hospital. Big quandry for me is whether to move him to a neighborhood suburban hospital where his doctors know him and I can get to it, or to a downtown hospital which has more resources but where they do not know him and is very hard for me to get to. Please, God, help me to make the right decision. I love Tex so much but he is suffering so very much. Lord have mercy on Tex and alleviate his suffering.

Adios, mi Compadre

2009-11-04T15:18:00.003-06:00

It seems like a long time since I have updated this blog. Once we got back from the cruise, it took over a week to get through the profound fatigue that I had absorbed from the trip. It was a great trip, nice to know that we can travel that way, but I really need an extra person along so that I can get away for a few minutes.

Then it seemed that we were into the world where we lost our Compadre, the father of the Beautiful Daughter-in-law. He was diagnosed two months ago with liver cancer, had surgery which failed, then went into hospice, and died this Monday. Yesterday, I went down to the Spanish-speaking rosary which was held for him. It was a beautiful service, very moving, which from my poor translation, seemed to be asking Mary, the Mother of Jesus, to care for her son JP. Let Light Perpetual shine upon him.

Back from the Cruise

2009-10-19T10:53:00.002-05:00

Tex and I had a great time on our cruise out of Galveston. Spent lots of great together time on the ship since he did not trust his scooter skills on the mainland. (He drives his scooter just like he drives a car, only the crashes are not deadly!) We are very tired but were delighted to find that he can travel this way. Lots of love to all.

Thanks be to God!

2009-09-26T08:34:00.002-05:00

My son, who had survived five rounds of layoffs, was laid off one week after his wife went back to work after the new baby,. He maintained a very positive attitude, and got right to work getting out resumes, networking etc. Yesterday, he was hired for a new job, less than two weeks after he became unemployed. Hallelujah! Thanks be to God!

B Minor Mass

2009-09-20T08:46:00.002-05:00

After 2 hours of sectional rehearsal yesterday, it actually seems possible that I might be able to sing the alto part in Bach's B Minor Mass! I'm not there yet, but I might actually get there. Our choir director is an amazing teacher and amazingly patient as well. Gulp, next week there are rehearsals at the other church with the other choir director. I am trying to get my nerve up to go in for a private lesson before next week. Oh, but the Mass is absolutely beautiful music!

With only one wing

2009-09-04T08:44:00.004-05:00

Here is a quotation that I lifted from MB. It describes my view of life perfectly.

"We are, each of us, angels with only one wing;
and we can only fly by embracing one another."
Luciano de Crescenzo

It is on the days when I feel most alone that I am grounded in the muck. The days that I embrace my situation and those around me are the days I can fly. Being a caregiver often seems very isolating, even isolating me from the beloved for whom I caring. I fight self-pity at times, and become critical of him. I long for the responsibility to be lifted yet I know that I would be devastated should that happen. Today I want a miracle so that he will be restored to the vigor of the man I married. Today I will embrace him as he is and be grateful for the days we have together. We fly together.

Contentment as the Season Changes.

2009-08-23T18:50:00.003-05:00

Contentment is floating outside in the pool, looking at the shades of green in the trees that surround the pool. It is that wonderful time of year when it has started to cool off just a bit, and the leaves are not yet falling by the hundreds of thousands into said pool. Looking at the patterns on sunlight on the leaves while floating in my Cleopatra Queen of the Nile seat is almost guaranteed to bring peace to the soul. All I could think about was thanking God for his gift of creation. It was almost too beautiful!

Tomorrow brings the busyness of a new semester although I don't actually teach until Wednesday morning. It has been a slowed-down summer with visits from and to family, and relatively good health for Tex. The Little Cowpoke starts his journey into Kindergarten tomorrow, a big step for him. In three more weeks I will start my new baby-sitting gig on Mondays in East Dallas, in which I will enjoy snuggling, and changing diapers for the baby with the cutest cheeks ever, also known as the Baby Celtic Cowpoke. (His name is Spanish for Celt!) I do love being a Nonna.

Back from Cool Country

2009-08-14T08:16:00.003-05:00

I'm back from 5 blissful days in the cool Colorado high mesa area, where I enjoyed the fabulous hospitality of my brother and sister-in-law. Just rested, enjoyed the cool temps and the love of family. It was just what the spirit needed.

Tex did pretty darn well in my absence, thanks to caregivers and our beloved Bird Girl. And I was sooo ready to see him when I returned! Being a caregiver to a beloved husband can be really draining at times, but it is God's gift to me that we have had these past 3 years together (and, hopefully, many more to come.)

Lots of catch-up details to do, as well as cuddles with Tex and dogs. The start of the new semester is right around the corner...

Update

2009-08-05T16:49:00.003-05:00

It is HOT! And I'm going to cool off tomorrow. Dryheat Dan and Irish Ani, here I come.
Tex will stay here with the Tiny Tibetan Terrors, caregivers and friends checking in. Keep prayers going. I have some trepidation but he seems ok and really wants to do it this way.
My Beloved Cousin and her husband just left yesterday. She is sooo much improved.
Baby Brudder Billy turned 55 today.
Met with the rest of the Pastoral Care group and the new Deacon last night. I am hopeful.
The new semester starts three weeks from tomorrow. I am not ready for it to be here so soon.
So long 102 temperature; 49 degree lows I embrace you!

A Loving and Lovely Intervention

2009-07-12T21:14:00.003-05:00

Last week at church two friends noticed that I was a little ragged behind the eyes, and asked me how long it had been since I had taken even a brief break from caregiving. I realized that the answer was over seven months! No wonder I was feeling grumpy! So they performed the most wonderful, caring intervention on Wednesday morning, complete with frittata and homemade scones and homemade jam, strongly suggesting that I needed a break. The food was yummy and the caring oh so lovely! I did call Tex's daughter Bird Girl who agreed to take him for a weekend. I am going to a hotel and just vegging! What a lovely prospect. Then I am hopefully giong to see Dryheat Dan and Irish Ani for a few days, where it is even cooler than our usual July 103. With the prospects of a few days off here and there, Tex has a much more even-tempered Socialworker. Sometimes the caregiver needs care.

Definition of "cockles of the heart"

2009-07-02T08:15:00.003-05:00

Thanks to my dear friend Mrs. Brit, I now know that "cockles" refer to the chambers of a kiln, as applied to the chambers of the heart, 2 atria and 2 ventricles. As we get all warm and glow-y from the good feelings, so the chambers of the kiln get very warm etc.

It is hot, hot, hot here at the R & R Ranch. Lazing in the pool with a book and a large glass of ice tea weather. I have to watch Tex closely if he is out at all as his body does not cool him off much. No special plans for the 4th, just so Tex can stay in the air conditioning, and I can have my cold glass of summer wine. My celebration is my special time with the Little Cowpoke at the theatre performance of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." Stay cool and celebrate, my dear friends.

Cockles of the Heart

2009-06-30T07:56:00.004-05:00

This weekend I got to experience one of the ongoing joys of my life - seeing both of my adult children together with with their families. It reminds me that these kids who fought each other all through their childhood have now become adults who like each other. It just warms the "cockles" of my heart (does anyone know what a cockle of the heart actually is?) And the boys were their usually great selves. I am hoping to get tickets today to take the older one to see a musical version of "Chitty Chitty Bang Bang." Itty bitty Cowpoke would rather attach to his Mom's boob and sleep, his two favorite activities.

News Bulletins

2009-06-27T08:30:00.002-05:00

News bulletins:
1. Tex is slow recovering from his wounds. So much so that he has been voluntarily using his walker inside the house. It hurts to see him hurting physically and emotionally.
2. Baby Gaelito is just doing beautifully, gaining weight and smiling at his Nonna.
3. It is hotter than blue blazes here this week.
4. Lawyer Girl and her Scientist Fella are coming into town today to meet the Baby Cowpoke.
5. Life is GOOD!

Reporting from the Home Front

2009-06-23T15:16:00.003-05:00

Tex took quite a tumble last night, falling on the concrete outside of our church. His knees are banged up, and his pinkie is swollen, but no broken bones or head injuries, thank you God! We are having trouble getting his blood pressure regulated - his is too low. Hopefully, we will get this all straightened out in the next few days. Please say a prayer for Tex.

The Baby Cowpoke is all home from the hospital and doing nicely. Such a pretty baby!
The Little Cowpoke is being a good big brother, after getting his reassurances from his family that they all still loved Him very, very much. It is so inspiring to see your kids be really good parents!

Welcome to the World Little Bitty Cowpoke!!!

2009-06-15T06:44:00.004-05:00

My son called me this morning, happy with laughter in his voice...I'm a new Grandma all over again! The Tiny Cowpoke arrived about 3 AM this morning, all 5 lb 10 oz of him, just 12 hours after his Baby Shower. My Beautiful Daughter-in-law is doing well, as is the 5 weeks early little guy. I think I am going to Dallas today to meet this eagerly awaited bundle of love, what do you say?

This and That

2009-06-09T09:55:00.003-05:00

There has been too much going on at the R&R Ranch to sit down and blog about it. One important event has been Tex's (and his twin brother's) 75th birthdays. Bird Girl organized a nice family celebration at Celebration where brothers and sisters, and "their cousins and aunts" gathered to wish the birthday boys well. Tex was touched by all the fuss. Then we got to watch the Middle Grandson play in a tennis tournament the next morning!

Right before the party, I went to the funeral of a young man who was a close friend of my children. I had just seen him two weeks earlier. Please pray for him, Ted, and his wife, Rachel, and children Cameron, 4 and Gabby, 2. I saw all the now mid 30year old adults who used to come in and out of my house when they were teenagers. They have grown up so well, now with families of their own. I thank God for all the help He gave us as they were growing up; we sure did something right.

Tex and I had gone to New Braunfels for my annual contract conference, visiting with Lawyer Girl and her fella, for a night on the way. Even stopped at my favorite clothing store's outlet for a few bargains. Tex did really well and we had a good break from our regular routine.

Choir is out for the summer but not before we did a gorgeous piece of Mozart that warmed my heart and toes! There is something so grand and full of worship about his Masses!

Citizen Soldiers

2009-05-24T20:30:00.002-05:00

It is Memorial Day weekend, perhaps our greatest National holiday. There is much more hoopla for 4th of July, little kids love it for the fireworks. Memorial Day is a thoughtful day for the adults of our country, only celebrated by some parades, and concerts, and a day off of work for some. I find that the older I get, the more this day means to me.

I belong to a family of citizen soldiers, the ones who enlist or are drafted, serve in a time of war, and then return home to their family and live the rest of their lives as civilians, regular contributing citizens. I am grateful to God for my country and for my family:

For Benjamin C. who served in the Revolutionary War,
For Eli C. who served in the Civil War,
For my father-in-law Charles R. who served in WW I,
For my father, Robert J., my uncle Jimmy J., my brothers-in-law, Wallace R., Charley R., Bob R., Gordon R., Edwin G., and other in-laws, George G, and Theresa M, who served in WW II,
For my husband, Fred R., who served in Korea,
For my brother, Dan J., cousins Ralph R. and Terry M., and many friends who served in Viet Nam,
For my son, Ben G., who served in the 1st Iraq War,
And for the families who loved them, prayed for them, and welcomed them back home, some of them bearing internal and external wounds of war.

I hate war above almost all things; I believe that war is the ultimate failure of a nation, that we have failed ourselves and our God every time we go to war. And yet, I have the highest respect for every one of those who have served our country so ably. I cannot quite be a pacifist when I believe that this world demands that we keep a strong defense. I am profoundly thankful for our Citizen Soldiers!

Gray Saturday in May

2009-05-02T08:56:00.001-05:00

It has been overcast and rainy here for what seems like weeks. At least, we are getting our overdue Spring rains, but the gray skies are doing a number on my mood. I am just kind of blah and irritable. Just ask Tex!

Our really good caregiver for the last 6 months or so has now become highly erratic, so we are having a progression of caregivers coming in and out while we wait to see if she can get her act together. I hope she does because when she is good, she is really great with Tex, I can find things in the house, and our schedule goes smoothly. With other people, I have to train them, keep checking on things, etc. At least I am reminded why I pay an agency so that there will always be someone here with him. Of course, all the end of the semester activity keeps me extra busy at this time of the year also.

I find that I am very conflicted about both retiring and keeping on working. I truly enjoy my interactions with the students, feel that I am contributing to their education and to some of them personally. On the other hand, I find that I am less tolerant of the normal accountability procedures and fuss at them more than is necessary. Working is also my ongoing way to get out of the house and get more social interaction than I have when I am home with Tex. So, I have pretty much decided to keep on one year at a time. I plan to work at least for one more year so that I have my 10 years in with The Great University, which has been my goal all along.

Post Easter

2009-04-15T17:51:00.002-05:00

Easter was lovely...lovely music, lovely flowers, lovely rain, and both sides of family. After doing it all, Tex and I came home and took long naps! Then I finished the taxes on Monday evening-- first time I have done our own taxes since Tex and I were married! Many thanks to our dear friend Judy for helping me along.

Today I took a day off, and what a beautiful day! Best of all we went to the Men's Drygoods Store and got Tex some new dress duds. Hooray!

Maundy Thursday Mishaps

2009-04-10T08:48:00.002-05:00

We got the Littlest Cowpoke yesterday after his school let out early for Easter Weekend. Private schools can do that...I sure wish they had let my kids' public school out then. I always had to write a note and sometimes talk to the principal when I pulled them out for Good Friday!

Anyway, the plan was that Tex and L. C. could play outside on the MES swingset during choir practice and Tex could sit with LC (complete with new drawing materials) during the Maundy Thursday service. The best laid plans of Socialworker went awry. All the wildfires in Oklahoma, and West Texas sent their smoke to our neck of the woods. Thus, neither LC nor Tex could be outside at all. Couldn't leave them alone at home because LC would not be where I could watch him, and Tex can't supervise him alone at home. So, long story short, I had to miss the church service and watch, in order to keep my men safe and without respiratory problems. Darn!

You would think that I would be grateful that the fires were far away and had not, to our knowledge, caused any fatalities...and I am, but still I whine about missing my favorite Easter week service. God protect the firefighters and those whose property was lost and those in danger.

Things are Swimming!

2009-04-05T15:48:00.002-05:00

What a great conference in Atlanta! Things went swimmingly-- airplanes on time, wonderful workshops in which I learned new stuff, plus a visit to the new Atlanta Acquarium, where the fish are swimming. Tex did very well while I was gone which is always a great relief. It rained a lot there but to this drought-plagued Texan, that in itself was delightful!

Back home, beautiful music to learn for Easter. I am enjoying being back in the choir after about a 4 year absence, due to T's illness. He actually is doing well enough for me to sing again, which I very much enjoy doing. And only aout 5 more weeks to this semester, hurrah, hurrah.

More Good News

2009-03-30T20:48:00.003-05:00

Going to Atlanta tomorrow to attend what has always been a wonderful conference! Tex is being covered by Bird Girl, Always Special Friend/Neighbor and our Terrific Caregiver. All should be well.

Wonderful news from my friend Elastigirl who went down to Capitol City with us a couple of years ago when three of us descended on Lawyer Girl... Here is her post this afternoon:

"The interview went very well - this will be a short post - I promise more will follow later... I discerned that it was going well when the Bishop had not only informed me of the job opening he would like to see me fill, but was actively searching the ordination canons for how to proceed...God is Good!!"

This is one ordination I wouldn't miss for anything!"

Happy News

2009-03-29T17:23:00.002-05:00

It is a beautiful spring day here in North Texas. Lots of sunshine, flowers, green new leaves etc. And we have good news at the R&R Ranch. Bud and the BDIL have found out that they are having another little buckeroo, much to the unhappiness of the Littlest Cowpoke who had really, really wanted a baby sister. All of the rest of us are quite pleased. Baby Buckaroos are so sweet and have the most kissable little heads! Also Virus Researcher/Scientist got a really BIG grant approved so he should stick around Capitol City, Tejas,which means Lawyer Girl will too. Congratulations are due all around! Huzzah! Huzzah!

Back from Missouri

2009-03-21T08:49:00.002-05:00

I enjoyed my quick trip to Missouri where I found my cousin to be more depressed and less tremor-y than I expected. (The tremors are less severe but more constant.) Most heartwarming is the tender care from her husband. Despite the deep depression, even she has noticed it. Most of all, I am tremendously dismayed over the medical care she has gotten. They cut her level of anti-depressant to a dose that would not impact a mouse! She just sits and stares at TV during the day. My priest said that suicide could be described as "death by depression." If the depression is not dealt with, how can she get any better? Meanwhile her husband is trying hard to find services for her in that rural part of Missouri and has an appointment for her with a neuro-psychiatrist in a couple of weeks. Please continue to pray for Elaine and Terry.

The trip made me even more appreciative than ever to be married to Tex. His medical problems are more severe than my cousin's but he was not born with the "depression" gene as are so many in my family. His positive attitude toward life is a great gift and blessing to me.

Spring Break

2009-03-16T12:15:00.004-05:00

I love spring break! I got all the stuff in for the audit which takes place next Tuesday. But this Tuesday I am flying to Missouri to see my cousin. I am delighted that she is there for me to see. Wish me luck and say a prayer that I can reassure her that she is loved no matter what.
What is more--I actually have daffodils coming up and blooming in my yard, along with the flowering pear tree. Hooray!

Spring Thoughts

2009-03-07T09:46:00.002-06:00

It is a glorious spring day, one of Texas very best weather offerings. The temp is in the high 70's-low 80's, sstrong southern winds, white flowering trees everywhere you look, some of my bulbs have actually poked their heads up (amazingly, for I have a very black thumb) and my pear tree is in glorious bloom.

I have already written the annual report that I thought might take me all day! Now, I just have two classes worth exams and papers to grade this weekend. No problem!

Moira, my niece had a 5lb 11 oz baby boy this week, her 2nd. All is well and mother and baby are doing well. The Beautiful Daughter-in-law's pregnancy is progressing nicely, and we should know what sex the baby is by the end of the month. Tex is doing his favorite Saturday morning thing--sleeping! But it is time to get him up and fix his favorite breakfast-sweet rolls.

I think it is time to call Lawyer Girl and visit with her. I love our Saturday morning chats!

Cold morning

2009-02-28T11:37:00.001-06:00

After a week of warm weather, we had a "Texas blue norther" blow in. Freezing temps with a strong cold wind which makes the clouds look blue-gray. Ah, I'm glad to have typical winter weather back, although the blooming pear and plum trees are going to be pretty miffed.

Also in the way of good news, my cousin survived and was transported to an out of town psychiatric hospital where they are actually treating her depression and tremors simultaneously! Evidently, that never occurred to her docs in the little Missouri town where she lives... I find that I am very angry, a little at my cousin but very little, and a lot at the docs who thought they could get her off anti-depressants without treating her tremors. Her neurologist is out of town until May!
I am concerned that her speech problems indicate some brain damage, though, although I think speech therapy can help out a lot with that.

There have been several good long conversations with her husband, who is being an absolute rock throughout all of this, thoughtful, loving, and absolutely aware of his own reactions. What a hard time for the whole family. I appreciate the prayers for Elaine, Terry, and Kelly as well as for our family. It is amazing what the prescence of support does!

Help!

2009-02-23T16:06:00.003-06:00

Please pray HARD for my cousin Elaine, her husband Terry, and her daughter Kelly. Elaine is in an ICU bed fighting for a life she is pretty sure she does not want. She has struggled with depression for many years, complicated by severe tremors of the head and arms. Her local doctors have pretty much given up on being able to help her so she tried to help herself out of this life. She took a 3-month supply of pills all at once. She is just kind of holding her own at this time.

This is my beautiful sister/cousin who believes in God and in Jesus but is no longer able to stand the pain of her life. All of our lives, Elaine and I have seemed to live parallel lives, ones in which we understood each other better than anyone else on earth. We named our daughters for each other, dealt with depressions at the same time, even cut our hair in the same style at the same time although we lived thousands of miles apart. Even though we did not always make the same choices, we always understood how it was that the other made that choice.

Elaine is a precious, precious child of God who feels like she has no hope in this life. Please pray that she is surrounded by love and hope. I have noticed in this life that sometimes we have to hold the hope for those who feel that there is none.
Please God, bless my Lanie! Bless my Lanie! Bless Lanie!

20 Years Ago

2009-02-07T11:51:00.003-06:00

It has been 20 years since I met the Native Texan who has so transformed my life! I really can not believe that time could go by so quickly. We married 19 years ago on this coming Tuesday. Little did I know 20 years ago today that my life was going to change in such a profound and wonderful way. Despite the ups and downs of illness, job woes, etc., he still keeps on truckin' and keeps on loving the people in his life in such a magical fashion. Tex's health may be fragile, but his spirit is strong and vital; and he blesses my life each and every day.

Ice Day!

2009-01-28T07:12:00.002-06:00

The Big Ice Storm hit the R&R Ranch. The Great University cancelled my classes yesterday, which was bad for the lesson planning but kind of good for the soul. Since our area does not invest in ice&snow equiptment the whole area shuts down for bad weather. I got to go have a leisurely visit with a neighbor down the street, and only fell down once! Skinned knee, but easily worth the price. This morning the ice is worse but supposed to go away during the day. I don't have any classes scheduled today but need to prepare for tomorrow's. Oh well, if I can't get in today, I'll just have to get up really early tomorrow.

Today is the day that my Dear Friend/Neighbor comes over for coffee so I had better get it made!

Thoughts while walking

2009-01-23T20:08:00.004-06:00

Well, the first week of school is over. It went pretty well although the Great University expects me to fit 29 students into a room with only 23 chairs! So I had students sitting on the floor - of course, they say they will move more chairs in by next week...

I got a lovely friends tag from Elastigirl which I would love to put on my website, if only I could figure out how. Thanks, EG.

We have had high 70's/low 80's temperatures in Texas in January...very weird! But as I took a walk this morning I was able to contemplate the reality of Love. I hope that my children know that God loves them exactly as they are right now, that they don't have to do anything to earn it. This took me a long time to learn. I know now that love is a free gift that can never be earned-my life with Tex taught me that. The only thing I can do in return is to be appreciative and grateful for it. Some love lasts forever and some love can be killed over time. The love that lasts is to be treasured and the love that dims or dies is to be appreciated for the gifts and lessons that it brought. But the only thing that makes us truly happy is the love that we give and are given.

These are not new or original thoughts but they are life-giving ones when truly absorbed.

PS

2009-01-18T16:35:00.003-06:00

In Fr. Court's sermon on the Lord's calling to Samuel, he said that God calls out to us as well. It reminded me that as I lay in bed yesterday before rising in the morning I had said "Be it unto me...etc." Maybe all that weirdness was the Lord saying quite loudly, "Don't go." Ya think?

Weird Day

2009-01-18T08:50:00.003-06:00

For some reason yesterday morning I could not go to the memorial service/wake for my Ex. I woke up yesterday morning fully intending to drive to Austin for the event. I was dizzy, had a peculiarly flat affect, started packing, went to get Tex up, and had one of the strangest emotional meltdowns I have had since leaving my 2's. I ended up being able to talk some with the ever-patient, ever-loving Tex who helped me clarify it a little bit. Talked to my kids, then spent the morning curled up in my chair, and later going back to bed. I woke up about 4 PM and felt quite ok. It was not a grief reaction for the Ex, although I'm not quite sure what it was. Something about not being willing to put myself through any more pain, both physical and emotional? The sobbing might have been a grief reaction for myself? All I know is that it was powerful with a capital P!

God bless Tex for loving me through one of the weirder days of my life; God bless my kids who were understanding. God bless Ex for helping me create and raise these two fabulous grown-up children, moving me to Texas, and divorcing me so that I could marry the most truly loving man that anyone could ever hope for.

Socialworker's Extreme Home Mess

2009-01-10T17:06:00.002-06:00

Painting, painting, painting!!! I remember why I never do do-it-yourself projects in my home...without fail, I come up against something that defeats me, my total ignorance. Tried to start painting the entry wall on Friday but discovered (1) the paint looked cherry red on the wall, no, no, NO! and (2) the wallpaper design showed through. Well, most of you have heard of putting down a primer coat before, but not moi. Then, I was introduced to spackle... Needless to say, several trips back to the hardware store and I have new supplies and new friends in the Paint Department. I will try to actually make some progress on this tonight and tomorrow. Say lots of prayers for me, please!

Mercury is in Retrograde

2009-01-08T12:03:00.003-06:00

This has been kind of a frustrating week! Got caught in a HUGE traffic jam trying to go to work; then the elevator got stuck; caregiver who is normally absolutely reliable has been late twice this week, etc. etc. etc. As my friend Sara would say, "Mercury is in retrograde!" I don't believe in astrology but something is going on! Maybe God just wants me to slow down and listen to him instead of trying to be so darn busy, ya' think?

Tex is doing very well at the moment. We are starting on a new round of MD visits, which are time-consuming and accomplish very little. The latest neurologist has tentatively diagnosed Tex as having 'PSP" form on Parkinsonism, as if it would make any difference in his treatment. What we do know is that he is ever so much better than he was 3 years ago. Hurrah!

Since we have the beautiful wood floor in I have become motivated to paint in several rooms of the house. So I am starting on the front wall of the living room tomorrow to make it an accent wall, then on to the kitchen and my bathroom. . Maybe my small spurt of creativity will keep me out of trouble? I doubt it!

New Year 2009

2009-01-01T07:24:00.002-06:00

I do not have anything profound to say for this New Year's morning. No resolutions to keep or break. Just some wishes.
I wish for good health for all the Jessup/Griffiths/Rozell clan.
I wish for strength, wisdom, and good humor for myself as I go through the good life God has given me.
I wish for Bud and BDIL and the Littlest Cowpoke a healthy, happy Itty Bitty Cowpoke/ette?
I wish for our country that we turn into a deeply caring nation who uses our resources to help ourselves and the world become a better place for all of God's people.
In fact, I really do wish for peace on earth, good will to women (that is a term that includes men).

It is Christmas time!

2008-12-24T11:04:00.002-06:00

Today is Christmas Eve day! We celebrated this morning with coffee and presents with The Dear Friend and Neighbor. Of course, Dear F&N comes over every Wednesday AM for coffee, but this one was special. Tex and I exchanged our gifts this AM also. We are going to Mass, then to Bud & The Beautiful Daughter in Law's for Christmas Eve with her family, then watching the Littlest Cowpoke open his Santa presents on Christmas Morn, then hopping in the car to go to Austin to spend Christmas Day with Lawyer Girl and her Virus Researcher fella and his parents. Hopefully, we can catch our breath in Austin before we head back home for Christmas with the RR & Bird Girl family and the Bigger Cowpokes and Pokette. Whew!

Thank you to those of you who called and wrote regarding the Ex's passing. I really appreciate your warm words.

Merry Christmas to all of you, as we welcome the Christ Child into the world once again tonight.

Rest, dear Scott, Rest in Peace

2008-12-21T08:44:00.003-06:00

The father of my children, Scott Evans Griffiths, age 62, died this morning in Austin, Texas. He died at home, after a long wrestling match with cancer resulting from his heart transplant 9 years ago. Scott was a gregarious man with a heart that went out to the abused and neglected children and their families. He worked as a caseworker and supervisor for Children's Protective Services for the bulk of his adult career. When he retired from CPS his many volunteer activities drew him to people of other cultures in order to improve their economic conditions. His heart transplant allowed him to know his cherished grandson Caetano Griffiths, age 5, as well as to spend extra time with his beloved wife Gail Johnson and his two children, Benjamin Griffiths and Meghan Griffiths. Scott is mourned by his extended family, Chris Sullivan, Elizabeth Marrero, Anna Rae Rozell and Fred Rozell, as well as cousins and dear friends. Scott viewed his life as an adventure and will no doubt relish the continuation of life into the next world. Rest well, my dear.

5 Days Before Christmas

2008-12-20T16:43:00.004-06:00

I'm having a hard time blogging right now. Several times I have sat down at the computer but nothing comes.
The new hardwood floor is in and it looks beautiful! I do want the installers to come back, though, and smooth a couple of places. My Wonderful Neighbor/Friend came over this morning and helped me decorate for Christmas. It feels very different this year even though we used the same decorations.
My daughter Lawyer Girl has a hard time whenever I blog about her father. I feel badly about continuing to do so, but I have absolutely no other outlet. He continues to rally after low spells. It is so hard on everyone but admirable too. I don't know what to think or what to pray. "Thy will be done" fits for me, but seems kind of inappropriate too for him... My past experience with the deaths of my parents tells me that people stay until they finish up whatever they need to finish. But gosh, it is so hard to go through even at this removed distance. I have found myself being very thankful for his life in the past week or so and for his dedication to his kids who, of course, are also my kids.
Well, it is off to an Open House at a dear British friend's house.

What did I do?

2008-12-07T07:35:00.001-06:00

Yesterday, as part of a well thought out plan (get Tex a Jitterbug phone for Christmas) and leaving ATT for better reception through Verizon (not to mention bundling our bills), I did a very impulsive thing. I bought a Blackberry! Me, one of the most computer-challenged people in the nation! Aahh! I was really excited when I figured out how to charge it - my gosh, they give you four different plugs. But it is now charged, and we shall see if I can complete a call on it. Thank goodness they downloaded my contact list into the phone at the store. I am told that the tech support person in my office can put my office email into it. When I get my password on the Verizon email straightened out, maybe we can get that also. I really want to be able to work the calendar and camera, too. Work with me, oh angel of technology!

Virtual Retreat Questions

2008-12-03T18:21:00.003-06:00

In participating in the Virtual Advent Retreat on the REVGALPALS blog, MB asks the following questions:

Imagine beginning each day with the prayer "let it be with me according to your word." How might such a prayer alter the rhythm of your days? If I actually prayed this? That is a scary thought. What would God want from me? What would I have to give up? What would I gain? These are not very spiritual questions, are they? I'll try it right now...No zappers yet, just a reminder to get up and fix Tex some dinner.

After Mary hears the news from the angel, she goes to be with Elizabeth, an older cousin. Can you think of other women who have mentored or sheltered you? Oh my mother Mickie, my wonderful nurturer, cheerleader, and best friend of my life. I think of her every day, thankful thoughts, direct questions to her, and comments to her. One of the joys of getting older is that I am getting closer to seeing her again. Also, my dear friend Judy who went through the days of divorce and raising young children, mentors at CPS who taught me to care for other people while taking care of myself, and lately, my dear friend Sharrond, who walks with me through Tex's illness. My daughter and daughter-in-law whose beauty and strength inspire me.

What is God calling you to give birth to in this advent season? Love and prayer for the Ex? I found a beautiful prayer in the Prayer Book funeral service, which I say numerous times a day as the Ex gets weaker and closer to death: "Receive him, Lord, into your arms of mercy." Other births to be awaited as this Season of Advent progresses.

HodgePodge

2008-11-29T19:37:00.003-06:00

Much to my surprise, I actually spent the day after T-giving shopping for Christmas. I haven't gone out on Black Friday for maybe 10-12 years but I felt like I had better get up and get going. Like most marriages, in ours the Socialworker does all the shopping and Tex might shop for 1-2 presents. Now that he can't drive, I shop for all of them. I kind of had fun planning out my route and getting in and out fairly quickly.

Today Tex is pretty clingy and wants more attention while I want to withdraw and have some alone time. This is an ongoing issue that has never been satisfactorally resolved in our marriage and probably never will be. Most of the time we manage our differences quite well, but it is really grating on me right now. Long weekends are sometimes harder as I crave solitude.

I have also heard that the Ex is no longer able to eat although he is still drinking liquids. That makes me incredibly sad. There doesn't seem to be anywhere to discharge the sadness either. My kids are not willing to talk about it much, and although Tex understands, he isn't the appropriate person either. I guess this blog is the best outlet I have for it right now.

One surprising thing about this weekend is that I have had several email contacts from my baby brother Mountain Man's grandaughter. She is 11 and interested in learning about her grandpa's family so I have emailed her some info about the family. That has been really heartwarming to me. I am so fond of both my brothers and seem to be getting even more so as we age. I do really feel supported by them and enjoy their company.

Stronger at the Broken Places

2008-11-19T14:39:00.003-06:00

Sometime back about 34 years ago, I was still married to the Ex. We were at very different stages of life. He was into his Don Juan stage while I was playing Mother Hubbard popping out babies. Or as he put it one time, he "was a professional trouble-maker" and I "was a professional trouble-fixer." Yeah, he was a union organizer and I was a social worker even then. Needless to say, we split up. But the one thing we did agree on was that we were both good parents and did not want our kids to have to choose one parent over the other. So we wrote our divorce settlement with joint custody long before it was fashionable. Very quickly after the divorce, he added the Stepmother (an honorable title in our family) to the parental mix. She loved my kids and they grew to love her. Fifteen years later, I brought Tex into the group. Tex had raised his own kids by then and knew how to be a great friend and stepfather to mine.

We didn't do everything right, that's for sure. He played "Disneyland Dad" more than I liked, and I bore the brunt of the work of kid-raising , brush your teeth, did you do your homework?, how did you lose just one of another pair of socks at your Dad's?, of course you can jump in bed with Mommy during thunderstorms, hugs and kisses kind of thing. The truth is that we both played to our long suits and enjoyed our roles.

I certainly misjudged the Ex's ability to be a good husband at the time, but I was absolutely dead on in picking the father for my children. I knew how to nurture and to work hard, and he knew how to play and have fun, which are all traits children need to have in abundance. Not the most conventional family structure but Bud and Lawyer Girl both thrived. They have grown up into really great people who are supportive of both their parents. I guess we really did grow stronger at our broken places.

Pick a Path, Any Path...

2008-11-15T09:02:00.003-06:00

This week I received word that my old boyfriend, the one I almost married, has terminal kidney cancer and is on hospice. My ex-husband also has terminal cancer, and he is on hospice care. My dear husband Tex has a chronic and serious illness and is on home health care. OK, I get it Lord, any path I picked was going to lead me to be a caregiver at this time in my life! All of the men in my life are happy with their current wives. The Ex has written beautifully about his love for his wife, and I am so happy that he has found joy with her. The boyfriend who has always classified himself as a Seeker, appears to have found a steady, clear-headed woman to be his "tie-down." Tex and I have a deep, joyful love that is more than I could have ever imagined existed. We all came through the tumults ending up in the best of all possible places. But I still think it is ironic that no matter which man I ended up with, I would now be a caregiver to a man with life-threatening health issues.

A young woman whom I met with two weeks ago was killed by her separated husband this week. He also killed her mother. Jan Carroll had taken every possible precaution, she had a supportive family who tried to protect her as best they could, she had prosecuted him through every assault and reported every threat. Still, he killed her, her mother, and himself. She was the friend and mentor to my young student who had spent the last three months with her. My student is devastated, Jan's friends and family are bereft and still reeling. It is a reminder to me that the issue of domestic violence is very real and sometimes fatal. It is spurring me to start working in that area. I brought it up in our department meeting yesterday and another professor and I are going to put together a seminar for our students on the topic.

Tex remains very frail and I am noticing how the fall at the El Chico's has taken out of him. He just doesn't have much energy at all. Sometimes I wonder how much longer I have left to be with him here on Earth. Since I can't know the answer to that, I will just treasure the time we have.

This has been such a week of sadness and weariness for me. The semester will be over a month from now, and I am going to take several weeks off.

He's Coming Home!

2008-11-08T08:03:00.002-06:00

I feel giddy as a teenager. This morning I am going to check Tex out of rehab and bring him home! I honestly can't wait to get my hands on that cute fella without all the other people around! He is walking extremely well, if somewhat slowly, with a quad cane; his mental status is excellent, and he has done remarkably well with his physical therapy and overall attitude. Once again, God has given me back "my" guy who makes me laugh and makes me feel completely loved. This strange illness of his, with its periods of "normal Tex" followed by swift periods of "dreadfully sick and completely out of it" Tex may be God's way of forcing me to be flexible. Although I wish he would just leave Tex at his highest level of functioning, I know that I am blessed to have the "up" periods at all. Please keep him in your prayers people; they are continuing to do wonders for us.

Proud to be an American

2008-11-05T06:10:00.003-06:00

I am so proud to be an American! Yesterday we collectively put our racist heritage behind us and overwhelmingly elected a black man to be president. Whites, blacks, and Latinos joined together to elect Barack Obama President of the United States. I remember the 50's where African-Americans had "their side" and we whites had our much larger and more prosperous side of town. I remember the 60's with the tremendous tension and seemingly endless time of the civil rights struggle, with the deaths of John Kennedy, Malcolm X, Martin Luther King, Bobby Kennedy and the despair that seemed to be sweeping the country over the Vietnam War. In a brief span of 40 years we went from killing African-American leaders to electing one to be our president. All this has happened in my lifetime. (And still my cautious nature says that the Secret Service had better protect this one really well!)

John McCain made one of the most gracious concession speeches I have ever heard. He is a true American hero and deserves to be honored for his lifetime of service to America. It was wonderful to see him at his best. People who supported McCain can be justifiably proud of their votes as well as those who voted for Obama.

How can we possibly be sufficiently thankful to live in this country at this time?

2008-11-04T18:07:00.002-06:00

This is election day, the day that all the awful commercials, and robot-calls cease! Hurrah! I already voted on the 2nd day of early voting here in the Lone Star State. Tex sent in for an absentee ballot since he is still in rehab (he will come home on Saturday, thanks be to God!). Evidently it did not get in before the cutoff so I took him to the polls today, even though he does always cancel out my vote. It was very important to me that Tex be able to vote; it is his civic right and he is quite compos mentis (sic). So up to our village hall we went and I asked for "curbside assistance." I checked him in, showed his id papers, signed a form stating that I would not tell him who to vote for (if only I could!), they brought his ballot to him, and he voted in the car. I really appreciate my country today which has made it easy for people like Tex to vote. Although I REALLY want my candidate to win, I remind myself that both McCain and Obama are honorable men who really do want to serve their country. I think that the political process is waaaaayy too drawn out, and brings out the worst in both parties. It may be a very flawed process but we are tremendously blessed to have it. Off to the election party...

Overwhelm and Procrastination

2008-10-27T17:07:00.003-05:00

I am feeling overwhelmed today with all the grading I need to do (and have been putting off), the church strategic planning process, visiting Tex at Wandering Tree rehab, trying to keep up with replacing the carpet with a cork floor and fixing the area under the sink where the water rotted out the wood. Ay yai yai! And the truth is that I don't want to do much of anything right now. My sinuses are pouring, I feel just kind of punk but not bad enough to stay home. Woe is me! Oh well...

On a positive note, it will not be the end of the world if my students do not get their papers back tomorrow, and the Tiny Tibetan Terrorist wants me to play ball. I think that I will play ball, and get back to the other stuff later.

I am so grateful this morning

2008-10-23T07:56:00.004-05:00

Today is a day for feeling grateful. Some of the bits of grace are:

*Tex is safely in a rehab facility very close to home. He isn't happy but understands that he needs to be stronger to comer home.
*The Ex who is extremely ill with terminal cancer called to check on Tex and me. Ex has always been part of my life since I was 17. We have raised the kids together (who are now in their 30's) and have remained part of each other's family all through remarriage and moves. I am going to miss him dreadfully when the cancer finally wins. Please pray for Scott and Gail; they are going through incredibly difficult times. They are nonbelievers and I cannot imagine facing death with no secure knowledge of life after death. They are good people with a great support system and need and welcome prayers and positive thoughts.
*Today the students in my class do presentations so I do not have to prepare a lecture.
*A cool front has come through so the weather is nice and crisp. Fall is always one of my favorite seasons.
*The tiny Tibetan Terrorist has forgiven me and slept with me last night.
*Even better, I can take both dogs up to the rehab center to visit with Tex.
*I voted yesterday. I am incredibly grateful to live in a country where we can choose our rulers. Although I have a definite preference for one candidate, both candidates are good men who want to serve their country well.
*I have great kids and stepkids who support us all, as well as an incredible church family.

I feel truly blessed today.

I am Grateful

2008-10-23T07:56:00.000-05:00

Moving along

2008-10-21T19:50:00.002-05:00

Well, the Texan finally came back to reality Monday morning, flashing his bright brown eyes, and cracking jokes. This was a real change from Friday through Sunday when he stopped being able to walk, talk, or stay awake. So this time I took him to the Better Hospital in this area, where they decided that he had a concussion or a swelling of the spinal cord from his fall. Although he is now alert, he needs help in being able to balance, walk, get up out of chairs, eat, etc. with his broken arm and the deterioration in his lower limbs. So he is off to Rehab for a couple or three weeks, just until he can manage at home.

Little Bit aka Dolly the 7 lb Tibetan Terrorist is REALLY unhappy with me because Tex is not home. Athough she normally sleeps with Tex, she refuses to sleep with me, goes back into her kennel at night and glares at me because he isn't home. That ball of fluff sure can hold a grudge!

New Challenges!!!!!

2008-10-18T07:06:00.003-05:00

A few of you know that Fred tripped over a mat at the local El Chico's on Wednesday, fell forward and broke his left arm and chipped a tooth. After a trip to the Lewisville ER I brought him home where he was until last evening when he was admitted to Denton Regional because of his inability to walk, talk coherently, and general neurological deterioration. He is confused and in pain, mostly because of the arm, I think. Please keep him in your prayers so he can come home quickly and in a condition so that I can care for him here with his beloved dogs.

6 Unremarkable Things About Me

2008-10-04T07:12:00.003-05:00

1. I am a read-aholic; I read novels, non-fiction, newspapers, magazines, and cereal boxes. In other words, if it has print in English, I have read it at least once.
2. I love brownies! I rarely make them because I can eat an entire 8x11 pan in 24 hours, all by myself. Since I have lost 10 lbs (hurray!)in the past two months, needless to say, I am craving brownies.
3. Over the years, my closets positively bulge with clothes that I love but are either too old, out of style, or the wrong size. I even have a friend who helps me go through those closets and clear out stuff but I still have a lot of clothes.
4. I only wear comfy shoes. After breaking three bones in my left foot, I am very good to my feet. Comfy shoes with a wide box at the toes feel great but I feel kind of like my grandmother who wore old-fashioned lace-up shoes in her fifties. Grannies rule!
5. Like MB, I always watch TV with a book in my hand. I can read and watch TV at the same time.
6. I hate housework, and have hired someone to clean since I was 12. Thanks to my 7th-grade and forever friend Denise, I leaned that my room(s) could be clean, and all I had to do was earn enough money to pay for it.

2008-09-28T09:29:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I found a shoe going-out-of-business sale, and got two new purty, comfy pair of shoes! I have gotten to the point where I am less concerned with stylish shoes than I am concerned about comfort. Breaking three toes a while back does kind of affect your priorities! But thse are nice looking and comfy too. Hurrah!

Both Gracie, the Tibetan terror, and I have had left feet that have owies. I have been enjoying a sharp pain in the soft tissue near the achilles tendon, and it seems that Gracie has pretty much the same injury. I took her to the vet who did x-rays, gave her anti-inflammatories, all of which showed no improvement. Took her back, gosh, is that ever expensive! and he gave her pain pills, which have done some good. She only hobbles on three feet some of the time now. Nevertheless, she can still streak across the yard to chase a cat out of the yard! I go to the doctor for a regularly scheduled appointment this week, by which time the pain in my foot will be completely gone. I can count on it!

The Texan went to the funeral of a beloved aunt with Bird Girl and his son RR. Our Pastoral Care Group has been cancelled because it falls on the night of the funeral service for a dear church friend. The Ex is now on liquid morphine because the pain patches are ineffective. It is a beautiful day today with birds singing, monarchs migrating through, and lovely cool nights. The light and the dark exist together.

Happy Birthday, Doodle!

2008-09-23T17:13:00.002-05:00

This has been a week of gains and losses. I lost a good friend who died yesterday, after a severe stroke about 10 days ago. Please pray for the repose of the soul of Colleen.

On the plus side, the Texan got up early on Monday, made a pot of coffee and did a load of laundry. That sounds rather mundane, but do you realize how many steps he had to go through in order to carry out those tasks?! I was amazed and thrilled! Of course, he also filled the swimming pool and left the water running for 18 hours! Yipes, the water bill! All in all, he continues to inch his way uphill, which is nothing short of a miracle.

Today is Lawyer Girl's birthday; she was the most beautiful, light pink baby with just a springling of peach fuzz when she was born. And she still lights up my life after all this time. Happy Birthday, Doodlebug!

Birthday etc.

2008-09-14T18:12:00.002-05:00

Well, Hurricane Ike has come and gone. Roger and his family were told to stay put in their house outside of Houston. They boarded up windows, had the kids sleep downstairs while Roger and Sheila were awake all night. They lost 4 trees, with 2 of them falling on the house but not doing any major damage to the upstairs. Now they are hot and doing without power, but overall are doing well. Thanks be to God.

Tomorrow is a milestone birthday for me. It is my "I qualify for Social Security" birthday, so they had better play nice with me at work this year! We are going out for dinner tomorrow night; it started out with just Tex and me, then I invited my friend S., then my son's family cancelled out on today, so are also joining us for dinner tomorrow night. This quiet little birthday celebration is getting bigger!

Laboring that I have done

2008-08-30T08:54:00.003-05:00

It is Labor Day weekend. I have always felt vaguely melancholy at this time of year. The official end of summer, the beginning of real work time, no more days off for months. It is about 9 AM, the Texan is still snoring in deep sleep, the dogs have settled down for the morning nap, and I have "nothing fun" planned for the day. Lots of housework ahead. Yecchh! OK, pity party time is now officially over.

1. Tell us about the worst job you ever had. The worst job I ever had was my first college job as a typist for the College of Engineering in an crammed-full of filing cabinets, 8x10 one-person office (me) far away from any human being, sitting there typing things that truly did not look like any language I understood. It was tedious and it was tortuous to have to be there for 4-6 hours at a time. It only lasted 1 semester and I found something else to do on campus to make money.

2. Tell us about the best job you ever had. It would be a tie between the job I have now, teaching young adults, and when I was a supervisor at CPS working with caseworkers who had lots of children whom we were able to place in adoption.

3.Tell us what you would do if you could do absolutely anything (employment related) with no financial or other restrictions. If I could do my full fantasy, it would be to go to Canada in time to see the trees change with the Texan who could walk and have fun with me as we meandered wherever we want. I would be able to go to Eastern Europe and work with orphanages to improve the lives of children in group care. Teaching English as a 2nd language has always been something I have wanted to do. I would also volunteer at a hospital taking care of and rocking newborn babies. In short, dear ones, all of my fantasy time and activities presume my being retired with enough money to do what I want to, with a fully healthy Texan either with me or at home, depending on his interests.

4. Did you get a break from labor this summer? If so, what was it and if not, what are you gonna do? I was able to spend some time visiting with family and dear friends in Arizona and Indiana. I came back refreshed and feeling deeply nurtured. Tex was able to have a little more energy this summer, so time with him was also more satisfying.

5. What will change regarding your work as summer morphs into fall? Are you anticipating or dreading? Although I really like the work I am doing, I am dreading the pace of the fall. I feel like I have to run to keep up with all the tasks. Please God, no more health issues for either Tex or me this year.

Bonus question: For the gals who are mothers, do you have an interesting story about labor and delivery (LOL)? If you are a guy pal, not a mom, or you choose not to answer the above, is there a song, a book, a play, that says "workplace" to you? I have birthed two children, and it was very hard work. The best part was falling so deeply in love with those babies in the most profound part of my being that I was forever changed, forever loving them for the rest of their lives.

A Man's Definition of Love

2008-08-18T16:04:00.004-05:00

Today is my first day back at work. I left early (7 am) to go to Arlington for the contract signing and orientation of students in the new semester. After my 2 week break out of the office I was willing for the new semester to start. Even though classes don't start until next week we always feel like it starts the week before. I feel much more relaxed after the two weeks, remembering that I always needed 3 weeks vacation from CPS in order to go back to work. If I had taken 3 weeks out from the University gig, I think I would be pulling out my hair trying to get back.

The Texan said the sweetest thing to me this morning when I gave him his goodbye kiss and hug, and said "I love you." He said, without opening his eyes, "I know." He said that he knows "because it is like when you know one friend says he is a friend but you can't count on him, but you know that another friend will be right by you if you get into a fight." Tex has been in a real fight for life and health these past 3 years. It is good to know he feels that I have got his back. (Of course he is right there for me whenever I am down or feeling hurt about something.) I think that is a wonderful description of love from a man's point of view.

These are a few of my favorite things...

2008-08-15T10:35:00.003-05:00

Things that I love:
1. Rainy days- spending significant growing-up years in the Arizona desert, I adore rainy days!
2. The Last Day of Vacation - knowing that I had better treasure it as I am today.
3. Traveling with my grown-up little brothers - find that I like who they turned out to be.
4. My cuddly and protective Llhasa doggies - all 12 lbs and 8 lbs of them.
5. Having a flexible work schedule so that I can spend lots of time with the Texan, even while I am working.
6. Child Welfare Workers - the most tough-skinned , most soft-hearted, most practical bunch of women (and some men) that God put on the face of this earth . There is nothing they can't handle at the time and then cry about afterward.
7. And, of course, at the beginning, middle, and end of the list, my wonderful family and friends, who have nurtured and do nurture my very being. They taught me how to love, to give and to receive love, and keep me surrounded in love. They are Grace personified.

I'm baack!

2008-08-10T15:27:00.003-05:00

Hurrah! Hurrah! I finally got back into this blog! I have been shut out for almost a month now, but for some reason, it has let me back in. So I have changed the password and it worked!

I have spent a wonderful week with my brother the CPA in Indiana doing genealogical research on our Jessup family line. For the past several years I have been in contact with a 2nd cousin who has moved back to Indiana. She graciously invited the CPA and me to stay with her during our sojourn back through old homesteads and farms, not to mention numerous Quaker cemeteries. She was Hospitality Personified, lives in a Victorian home that could be a bed and breakfast because of its beautiful decor. The three of us had a fabulous time, located another cousin that none of us knew about, and just thoroughly enjoyed outselves. What a treat!

The Texan did very well while I was gone, thanks to his own determination and a cadre of friends and relatives who helped. All in all, this has been a very satisfying time for both of us.

What A Difference A Day Makes

2008-07-12T10:58:00.003-05:00

What a difference a day can make! On Wednesday morning, I was complaining to Tex that I had a large knot on my neck, which kind of seemed to be growing. He INSISTED that I go to the doctor to check it out. So I did. The doctor seemed kind of alarmed by the size and hardness of the knot, told me it could be an infection, lymphoma or leukemia. Needless to say, I didn't like the last two options! He took a blood sample, and said he would call me back on Thursday without fail. Also gave me some antibiotics to take. Although I didn't panic, I didn't want to take any chances, and called in some pretty powerful pray-ers of prayers. Tex's first wife died of misdiagnosed breast cancer and I knew he would worry a lot when I told him what the MD had said. But our relationship is built on trust and honesty and besides, I knew he would worry even more if he felt that I was being less than open with him. So, he worried, my friends and I prayed, and I was really pretty calm through it all. I did not want to tell my kids who are dealing with their father's very real cancer progression.

The next day, the knot was still there in all its glory. No change at all. The doctor told me that the blood tests looked okay but to come in on Friday for a cat scan. By the time I got to his office in the late afternoon the next day, the knot had shrunk some, and he informed me that cancerous glands almost never shrink in size due to antibiotic treatment, and to call him in a week to report in on the size and condition of it then. So, today, it is still hard and painful but quite a bit smaller. Hurrah!

Bud came by yesterday evening to pick up the electric wheelchair we were given some time ago. His dad is getting weaker and can get some use out of it. He left the Littlest Cowpoke. It has been a morning of blueberry pancakes and cartoons here at the Ranchette.

Leisure by the Cement Pond

2008-07-08T11:14:00.003-05:00

I love taking days off in the middle of the week! It feels so deliciously sinful and yet it really isn't. With lots of vacation days piled up, I'm actually doing The University a favor by taking them now. I am putting off my discussion with the new Sheriff until later in the month, which allows me more time to be sure what it is that I want to do. Meanwhile, Tex and I sat outside by the stock (little Llhasa Apsos) tank, drank our morning coffee, and enjoyed the shade and the breezes before it heats up to a bizillion degrees. Think we might actually take in a talking picture show this afternoon.

Life at the R&R Ranch

2008-07-03T08:34:00.002-05:00

Still in throes of decision-making. My latest thought is to at least work through December so that I would have two years of my higher salary to count for Social Security. What makes the most financial sense is to work through December 2009. It really depends on whether or not the new Sheriff will let me continue to work at home when I need to. We shall see.

I think that this will be a quiet 4th of July here at the R&R ranch. Bud, the BD-inlaw, and the Littlest Cowpoke are going out of town to be with the Ex. Tex and I may go to a couple of movies, and out to dinner once or twice, but mostly I am looking forward to swimming in the R&R tank (aka pool). Ah, the lazy, hazy days of summer...

What's Next for Socialworkr?

2008-06-28T12:49:00.003-05:00

I think more and more about retiring when I become eligible for SS. The new Sheriff at the University, who replaced our wonderful Chinese Chair, has decided that she wants all staff (including professional staff who teach like me) to keep strict 8-5 hours, and that I should teach an extra course, which I have done in the past but did not do this spring. That has me teaching more than any other person in my same position in the state of Tejas. It just makes me tired thinking about it! Plus, I would have to hire a caregiver for more hours than we do now. We simply can't afford it. My entire paycheck for last year went for non-reimburseable medical bills, some of which were mine. Can I handle the stress for another year? Do I even want to? An even bigger question, can we afford for me to quit? To be continued...

Today is the birthday party for my son. How can he be turning 37? I don't feel old enough to have a child that age! I will enjoy seeing him, the Beautiful Daughter-in-Law and the Littlest Cowpoke as well as their friends this afternoon. I am so very fortunate to have him and Lawyer Girl for children; they have turned out to be such loving and accomplished people. LG is staying with the Ex this weekend so her stepmother can have some time off with her friends. Both kids can be so very thoughtful of their parents that it almost makes me cry sometimes. I have been truly blessed by the family God has given to me.

Summer Days

2008-06-25T09:17:00.003-05:00

This past week has sbeen wonderfully refreshing! I stayed at a beautiful resort owned and run by the Pima and Maricopa Indians in Arizona for a great conference. Then, I drove down to Tucson to spend some time with one of my dearest friends from high school, Denny the TM'er. I wish I could have stayed longer with Denny and her husband but, at the same time, I was sooooo ready to come home to the Texan. He stayed WELL while I was gone!

The Ex is not doing well physically, but is handling all his difficulties with such grace and love. He is now on hospice care. He wrote a beautiful tribute to his wife in his blog, "Scott's Wanderings." I got very wistful after I read it, wishing he could have felt that way about me. But the fact is that he didn't, and I have my Wonderful, All-Loving Texan, who doesn't need for me to change in any way to earn or keep his love. I always felt like I walked on eggshells with the Ex trying to please him. And, quite frankly, that is no way to live at all! God knew what He was doing when he brought Tex and me together. And I am glad that the Ex found the love of his life.

One of the comments that one of his friends made was very wise; she said that often in a divorce, the man feels free and happy, but that it becomes a 5-15 year sentence for the wife, depending on the age of the children at the time. Mine were 1 and 3 at the time of our divorce. It took me 15 hard years to find the Texan, but he was definitely worth the wait.

Things at The University are kind of slow for me right now, and I am enjoying today off. I get to spend it having coffee with my neighbor/friend, giving Tex a bath, and just lazing around. Ahh, the blissful days of summer.

Miracles

2008-06-16T07:44:00.002-05:00

A miracle happened on Saturday. Tex got up early, did some chores around the house. We went out to lunch and shopping, using Mr. Incredible's magic scooter, came home and had a pleasant evening. It was as if he was his pre-illness regular self! His mind was sharp and clear, we laughed and joked, and I even believed him for that day when he said that he could drive (not that he actually did.) It was truly a day of miracles.

Sunday he was very tired but was able to go to church and to his daughter's house for a fabulous Father's Day steak. Today I am getting ready to go to Phoenix for a conference--I know, I just can't get enough of hot weather. And I will be able to take the picture of Tex on Saturday in my mind.

Isn't God good!

Summer Days

2008-06-11T11:04:00.003-05:00

I am feeling ever so much better now that the new med has kicked in, or is it just the placebo effect from being "heard" and understand by my friendly shrink? Anyway, life at the R&R Ranch is flowing more smoothly than previously.

The Texan (also known as Ole Coot) had his 74th birthday on Friday. Among other things, I decided that it was time for him to have a scooter, so that I would feel more free to go and do things with him along. Elastigirl loaned us Mr. Incredible's scooter and so Tex and I have been playing with that one. We went up to the tank (lake for you non-Texans) near us and the Coot really enjoyed that one. We are meeting this afternoon with our Medical Mercantile Store man to see if Tex will qualify for one on his own. The Ole Coot has been really sharp and perky the last few days, also.

I also decided to take a couple of days off in the middle of this week, since my main responsibilities are on Tuesdays and Fridays this semester. So I have been having a good time "goofing off" some. Mostly by going to coffee with friends, piddling around the house, and, even catching up on my blogging during the middle of the week! Next week I will be going to Phoenix for a child abuse conference, and visiting with high school friends in Tucson on the weekend. Hurrah!

Bugs and Boys

2008-06-03T18:37:00.003-05:00

The depression bug has come back again; so, a trip to my friendly psychiatrist was in order. He is fiddling with my meds so they can bite back the bug. Also, he referred me for a neuropsychiatric evaluation to see why I have been so forgetful, whether it is the depression or a leftover from my CVA back last September. (I'm betting on the latter.) Meanwhile, life is just kind of blah right now. Let's hope that the insurance will cover it, as I understand that it is two days of testing, yipes!

We did have a lovely Sunday. After church the Texan and I joined some friends to celebrate the Blonde Lawn Boy's graduation from high school and his birthday as well. I have known BLB since he was a tiny tyke of two when he tore through the narthex chased by his father and mother whom I had known in years past. What a joy to see him grown up into a fine young man. He gave one of the youth sermons and it was killer!

Memorial Day Weekend

2008-05-24T09:57:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I went up to The University and found it virtually deserted. I had forgotten it was Friday before Memorial Day! I got what work I could do without other people done, then met with our IV-E students in Lewisville in the afternoon. The Texan and I went out for a drink and dinner early in the evening at one of our new favorite places. Such a nice, relaxed start to the weekend for us.

Today I am struck once again by the fact that I am the proud daughter, sister, wife, and mother of US war veterans. I still hate all the wars from Viet Nam on, as I watch my country become the "enforcer" of the world. And the fact is that I am enormously proud of my family who were willing to serve their country. I am even the daughter-in-law of a World War I veteran, as the Texan's father earned his US citizenship by serving as a Canadian citizen in the US Army. Nobody in the family has ever been career military but always citizen soldiers. I truly believe that war and killing are the most animalistic parts of the human race. And yet...
sometimes one has to defend our people and land from aggressors or be annihilated by them. I have never been able to reconcile Christ's teachings completely on anything other than a personal level. I continue to struggle with defending our country with "turning the other cheek."

What Goes Around...

2008-05-17T08:54:00.003-05:00

My eye surgery went well; no more cataract haze, and I can actually see distances well from the eye. Hooray! It does seem as though the distance vision varies at times, but maybe that is just a normal phenomenon. I'll talk to the doctor about it on Wednesday.

This has been a pleasant week at work. It is in between semesters, so not a lot of folks around. I have been able to catch up on detail stuff left undone during the end of the semester rush. I even have my part of the new contract done and submitted to my boss who will put the finishing touches on the contract draft and send it into Austin. She and I had both worked at CPS for many years, then I came to The University, and she came a year later. While at CPS, I was in a much higher position than hers; I was very highly regarded by (most) of my peers, managers, and community agency people as one of the best direct service managers. She was in a subordinate support position. Years later, at The University, she is in a faculty tenure track position and I am in a professional staff position. She is outstanding at managing grants - much better than I. And I am grateful for her skills and support. She is clearly in her niche, and I struggle to handle my parts of writing the contract. Funny, how God leads us to the right place for each of us, and allows us to appreciate each other's strengths.

Lots of social events too this week - Enjoyed a dinner with other social workers and the NASW director in Denton; dinner with Bud, Beautiful DIL, and Little Cowpoke last night. Now I am off to a nice brunch! Whoo hoo, as we say in Texas!

Mother's Weekend

2008-05-11T18:51:00.002-05:00

I have had a really soul-satisfying Mother's Day weekend. Lawyer Girl, who just moved into her new house last weekend andstarts a three-week trial on Monday, flew up to spend the day on Saturday. The best gift of all, the gift of time, was just perfect, not to mention the nice massage etc. Then we got to keep the Littlest Cowpoke overnight while Bud and the Beautiful Daughter-In-Law went out to celebrate themselves. Met them again to transfer custody of the 'Poke, and made arrangements for us to go out to dinner at the end of the week. 'Poke was very cuddly this morning and very well-behaved at church too. What more could a Mom want?

Elastigirl gave a fabulous sermon today, one tying Motherhood and the Church as our nurturing mother. She was poised, and so very "herself" as she talked. It is impressive to watch her grow into her own voice and presence week by week, month by month. She becomes more and more the priest she will be. I do not know how the ordination issues will sort themselves out, but they will. It is as though she is becoming a voice for God, and not one for Bishop B-head.

Lawyer Girl became very angry when she asked about Elastigirl and when she would be ordained and I told her about the B's position and the Standing Committee, saying, "No wonder, people don't go to churches with "stuff" like that going on!" What I wish I had said was that the church is made up of all the lovely and the crappy stuff that goes on with people, and that, yes, our B. is biased against strong women and is sometimes very mean and petty, but that is no different that the society in which we live. I don't go to church because of a priest or bishop, but because it is where I can best communicate with God and be part of a community of people who want to do their best to live as Christ to each other. I cannot imagine how I could continue to go on without the many gifts of kindness from the people in my parish.

All in all, it has been an incredible weekend. Thanks be to God.

It is a week of downs and ups

2008-05-08T09:06:00.003-05:00

Lots of frustration gong on in my head today. I had just gotten the carpets steam cleaned and two hours later the Texan spilled urine in the center of the living room! Then, last night, he made two more spills in the living room. I know that closing the urine bag consistently is hard for him - doing anything consistently is hard - but he usually gives me a day or two to enjoy a clean rug. Then I had my pre-op appointment for cataract surgery yesterday, only to get there and have them tell me the doctor was called away, but they were sure they had called me to reschedule. (No, they had not) and they would be glad to see me Friday, when I had to reschedule another appointment in order to get to the pre-op. Nothing really bad, I know, but lots of pinprick frustrations to put a damper on my day. It could be worse, and has been worse, but I vastly prefer days that run according to plan. Ok. God what is in store for today? Grading finals and working on the new contract, I know.

Lawyer Girl is coming in on Saturday morning to celebrate Mother's Day. Hurrah! She will only be here for the day and has to go back to Austin that evening, but I really appreciate the gesture. I made us appointments for a massage at Coldwater Creek Spa, way overpriced but decadently luxurious. It is so special to have time with my girl!

God's Plan for Us

2008-04-26T18:13:00.003-05:00

We started today working on the new strategic plan for Annunciation. This is a process whereby the entire parish has an opportunity to be a part of creating and shaping how and where Annunciation will develop during the next 5 years. I always find this kind of planning to be an exciting work. When I see how far this parish has come in the almost 17 years that the Texan and I have been attending, I am amazed. It was a family-led church, just becoming a pastoral church when we started coming intermittantly in the fall of 1991. Our Amazing Rector was the new Vicar, having come about a year before us. He has grown our tiny mission into a thriving Corporate church, that is in the top 2% of Episcopal churches in the nation for active! attendance! It is highly unusual for any church to sustain this much growth, and even less likely that one priest could make those changes along with the parish. The Diocese of Dallas was incredibly foolish not to choose him as bishop. He has so much to teach other clergy about changing styles of leadership. We are truly blessed to have such a rector.

Tex is ever so much better, back to his usual rascally self. It was a miserable 3 week process but another blessing reminding us of the fragility of life. And that this fragile life can be so very good!

Blooms

2008-04-20T18:52:00.002-05:00

Spring in Texas is so fleeting most years that we miss it altogether. Not this year!
We have had lots of spring storms, winds, a few tornados, and oodles and oodles of spring flowers. To my joy, my new iris bed has escaped my black thumb and is putting out lots of blooms. Lavender and white ones, purple and cream ones, light yellow, brilliant yellow, even a delicate pink! And there are several more to open this week. Last year I went to the iris farm near us in Argyle, bought about 20 iris bulbs, planted them, and crossed my heart that they lived. Dolly Dog ate two of them, actually, just dug them up, nipped at them, and threw them for hours, after which they were just shreds of what might have been bulbs. But the others made it, and 13 out of the 18 have bloomed or are putting out blooms. Don't tell me iris are hardy and that you can't kill them... I can kill any plant! But these are beautiful! I'm so proud.

Not So Good

2008-04-19T11:42:00.002-05:00

The Texan is doing very poorly today. I found him having fallen on the floor, which is carpeted, thank goodness! He is very groggy today, not making a whole lot of sense, and, most ominously of all, not drinking very much liquid. I have convinced him that he needs to be in a wheelchair today because the carpet cleaners have left the carpet wet and slippery (true in the living room) but he has not been out of his room today.

I am afraid to leave him even to go to the pharmacy to pick up a prescription for him. I haven't been able to find anyone home this glorious spring morning who can stay with him. Aha, maybe Bird Girl could - I get ideas just by writing out the problem. Let's see if that will work.... Hooray! she and her husband will come by in an hour or so to stay with him while I run errands. She is such a terrific help to me and her Dad.

More Rain

2008-04-17T19:05:00.003-05:00

Tex came home from the hospital on Sunday, proceeding to be the worst he has been in years that night. Delusional, unable to walk straight, up several times in the night, falling etc. One of the problems is that the dad-blamed hospital decided to reduce his amount of IV fluid the night before and didn't tell anyone. So they sent him home from the hospital dehydrated! I got caretakers for all this week, 8 hours a day, but have tried to manage him myself at night. (24 hour care is just prohibitively expensive.) He has come back some, has periods of clarity, and is joking again but is still unable to walk much. He is really trying to cooperate and is drinking about 90 ozs. of water a day. How can he go down that much that quickly?

It is getting to the end of the semester for me, so lots of papers to grade etc. My friends have been terrific, calling to check on me, bringing food etc. Exhaustion seems to be my middle name right now, since I sleep lightly, listening to see when and if he gets up. Please keep him in your prayers. big time!

Love is All Around Us

2008-04-13T21:12:00.002-05:00

The Texan is back home after his hospital stay for a bad UTI. He is still somewhat delusional but better than he was when he went in. Yesterday, he seemed really clear, but they cut his IV intake without upping his liquid intake and he regressed today. I felt that it was really important to bring him home so he didn't get "hospital psychosis" on top of everything else. I have fulltime coverage for him all this week, and I can manage him at night. So far.

I went to Austin with my kids to attend the Ex's goodbye party, and am so very glad I did. He was gracious and just glowing to see all the people who came to see him. Old friends and new. I was delighted to see his cousin Sally whom I hadn't seen for nearly 40 years. He is very gaunt and frail but just glowing with love for his family and friends, and especially for Gail, his wife. It made me happy just to be there and see that. I want to keep that picture in my mind whenever I think of him.

Thank you to all of you who went to see the Texan in the hospital while I was gone; he loved all the visits and the caring that you expressed.

And it keeps on raining!

2008-04-10T22:55:00.003-05:00

Well, the Texan is back in the hospital. Hopefully he just has an infection that will respond to a different antibiotic than the one he has been on since Monday. We may find out more tomorow. It was great being able to reach Dr. Incredible - Elastigirl's fella - when I couldn't get a hold of his primary care physician. PCP also came by this evening. Both Docs know the Texan well, and could tell he wasn't himself right now.
In the meantime, the Ex is holding on, and his wife has had to deal with her brother's death also this week. It never rains but it pours! As Lawyer Girl said so perfectly, "Mom, I'm going to quit answering calls from my parents. It's always one of you falling apart!" Of course, being the Wonderful Daughter she is, she also said that she always wanted me to call when her Beloved Stepfather goes to the hospital. My kids are really reeling right now! Please send lots of prayers to Ben and Meg, they could use them as much as their parents right now.

Grace Under Fire

2008-04-04T10:05:00.002-05:00

My Ex and his wife got the grim news yesterday that there is no treatment for his cancer as surgery, radiation and chemo have been ruled out for various reasons. Although recognizing the meaning of the news, he has responded in an unusual and very generous way - he is having a BIG party next weekend to celebrate the 29th anniversary of his wedding to the Stepmother! He said to bring lots of joy to the occasion. The Texan and I are planning to go and help them celebrate. My thoughts at the time of his re-marriage was one of relief, that he was now going to have someone else to be with him. Even though there have been some bad feelings over the years, I have to admit that she has been the best thing that happened to him since the birth of our children and that she has truly loved our children over the years. God bless them, and give them joy!

Easter Season

2008-03-27T13:12:00.002-05:00

Easter Day was wonderful! I walked to the lake and saw the sunrise - and to think that God does that every day without my help! Then breakfast brunch and church with Bird Girl, then down to Dallas for the Littlest Cowpoke's neighborhood Easter parade. 'Poke was Batman, riding in the Super Heroes float and so very proud. Soon it was time to go have Easter Dinner with the Littlest 'Poke's other set of grandparents and their family. The Texan had a grand time as did I!

No news on the Ex's medical condition. They are in a holding pattern right now while they await reports back from the surgical teams in Dallas and Houston.

Well, it has been back to work this week after the best Spring Break ever. We stayed home, did a lot of small things around the house, and got me to wishing for retirement even more than I already am. Easter is the season of New Life - wonder what is in store for us at the Ranch?

Good Friday

2008-03-21T11:13:00.002-05:00

Holy Week has been a little different here at the R Ranch. We did not attend Maundy Thursday or the Prayer Vigil this year; the Texan was tired after we had kept the Littlest Cowpoke whose preschool was on the same Spring Break schedule as the one that Socialworker's School of Higher Eddification scheduled.

Lots of fun with the Littlest 'Poke. I had a legitimate reason to see "Horton Hears a Who", which was one of my most favorite books of Dr. Seuss. The L.'Poke only got scared once during the movie and pronounced it "great!" Score one for Grandma Socialworker. He was an absolute angel the whole time he was here, with the exception of one 5 minute sulk. Thank goodness for that; I was afraid he was getting too perfect for a 4 year old!

It turns out that the RR bunch is not coming to the Ranch after all this Easter. What a bummer! The Texan and I were really looking forward to seeing them. But we will spend Easter Morning with our Bird Girl which will be highly enjoyable.

Lots of telephone calls to and from Lawyer Girl who is bearing the brunt of the Ex's illness. She is, of course, doing all that she can for the Ex and the Stepmother. She is also making a huge committment to her Virus Researcher Guy in that they are buying a house together. When I asked if that meant they were thinking about getting married, she replied "Oh, mother! I'm not ready to get married. I've been married before; this is a MUCH bigger committment!" Oh, this younger generation! I have to remember that her ex-husband took his marriage very lightly, and left for Italy when Meg wanted to buy a house and settle in Austin. (events slightly scrambled but nevertheless essentially true.) VR Guy is a really great guy who told SW that LG "was the light of his life." So I can't be too upset. God bless them and keep them, please.

We are going to Good Friday service tonight, then the Texan can rest on Saturday, and we will have our Easter doings. I hate to think that this wonderful break will be over by Monday.