What now?

The past couple of weeks have been a fast slide into despair and a hard slog to get out of it. Feeling abandoned and isolated in some of my previously "safe places." The angry outburst from my cousin, the request from Meg that I not attend her 40th birthday party, the announcement from church that the search did not find a rector, and the realization that it was the 3rd anniversary of Fred's death, and that his part of my life was truly gone. I feel very vulnerable, and that no one "has my back." Dear as Spencer is, he can not fill that void. I also feel that I have no sense of purpose. Why am I here? What now? Some glimmers of light come through but no answers yet . . .

This has been a long period of mostly being alone. My friend Sherri decided she needed to have a week alone so I missed my 5 day a week coffee buddy. My beloved companion had a Diocesan meeting this weekend and made no attempt to see me when he returned. So it will be two weeks since I have seen him. Then today he is quite ill and stayed home from work and slept. I am leaving it up to him as to when he will come here for the weekend. He keeps saying how much he loves me but his actions sometimes don't match his words. I have to keep reminding myself that we are companions not a married couple. I do not want to remarry, but I do like to have his company more regularly. This has been a very difficult 6 months, with the small stroke I had in September, then taking so very many falls, finally getting a diagnosis, vertebral artery stenosis, that predicts more strokes, either from risky surgery or just "kicking the can down the road." It is possible that I may not have as many years ahead of me as I had hoped. I am stronger than when it started but I am still taking some falls. I am being more careful and using my cane much more. This may be a condition that I will have to just live with. I am not morbid about it but I realize that I need to get some papers together for the kids. Lord, I would like to be healthy enough to see the grandchildren grown up.

Celebration

I get to spend this Mother's Day with both of my children and their kids! What fun! Little Sam has really picked up so many new words that I can really communicate with him! Things with my Beloved Companion continue to deepen. Last of this month will be the anniversary of our first date, something neither of us expected at all! God has been so very generous to us.

Down in Austin

I drove to Austin today to be with Lawyer Girl and the Baby Nematode while Scientist Guy is out of the country educating the heathen masses on the treasures to be found in itty, bitty viruses (virusi?) The little Nematode is crawling almost as fast as I can run, pulling up to a stand, and doing all appropriate age-related activities. He still has the charming personality where he gets a big grin on his face when I walk in, even though he has not seen me for several months.

Spent a week at Stephen Leader Training, where I picked up a strep bug but put it quickly on the run. I am seeing much more of my soulfriend which continues to amaze and delight me. Life proceeds apace.

New Life!

I have not written on this blog for many months. I went through quite a slump in the winter months where I could see clearly what I had lost, but had no inkling what God would send in its place. Sort of a "dark nights of the soul" period where I felt like huddling up with my dogs around the fireplace, cuddling up on my sofa. Thank heavens for good friends like Sharon, Freda Marie, and Ann and others who listened to my heartache and assured me that God did have a plan for me but I needed to be patient and let it unfold. My children and my brothers kept checking on me, thank goodness. And the grandbabies kept demanding that Life continue on.

Light did return to the world along with the early and constant heat of this blistering Texas summer. I have some new interests which are coming to fruition, and I feel younger and stronger than before. I lived with Fred's illness plus his impending and actual death for a long time. I cannot and do not regret one minute or one dollar spent on our time together; it was so rich and wonderful to be with him and all I can do is to thank God for letting me have Fred in my life. I would wish him back in a heartbeat if I could have my healthy, sweet husband back with me. But God took him home because his dear body could no longer bow to his will any more.

I am blessed with a new soulfriend in my life, and with other new friends and activities. Thank you, God for remaining with me, even when I could neither hear nor see You for a while. I am ALIVE and WELL!

It's November!

It seems like today is our one day of Fall in Texas. Some of the leaves have changed colors but this fall our temps have been too high to get maximum color out of the leaves. Oh well, maybe next year.

Overall, I am still doing very well. I keep almost too busy but my friends and family have been fabulous at keeping in touch. This lifts my spirits tremendously. Honestly, my primary emotion has been one of gratitude for the many gifts from Fred and God, my home, my family, my job, my friends, and the overpowering sense that I am truly loved. I am a bit wary of the upcoming holidays as I do not want to get maudlin and depressed. Somehow, I don't think that the grandchildren will let me! And we have the new baby to look forward to in January...a granddaughter! But I am planning to spend Christmas snuggling up to my wonderful grandsons, all of them!

Lifechanging Events

August added Samuel Scott Sullivan to our lives. Little Sam arrived at 9 lbs 11 oz, and is absolutely beautiful! He enjoyed sleeping on my chest a number of times, which his Nonna enjoys even more than Sam does! Lawyer Girl and the Virology Professor are great parents, and all is well in Austin.

While I was in Austin, Tex stayed in respite care for 4 days. When he came home, he developed another urinary tract infection, which ultimately took him Home on September 22nd. His death brought great sadness and a tremendous appreciation for the ways this kind and loving man touched the lives of those around him. I was privileged to be holding him as he gently left this world, and for that, I am profoundly grateful. I honestly feel that "he's only going over Jordan, he's only going over home" as the song says. Life is and forever will be greatly changed.