What now?

The past couple of weeks have been a fast slide into despair and a hard slog to get out of it. Feeling abandoned and isolated in some of my previously "safe places." The angry outburst from my cousin, the request from Meg that I not attend her 40th birthday party, the announcement from church that the search did not find a rector, and the realization that it was the 3rd anniversary of Fred's death, and that his part of my life was truly gone. I feel very vulnerable, and that no one "has my back." Dear as Spencer is, he can not fill that void. I also feel that I have no sense of purpose. Why am I here? What now? Some glimmers of light come through but no answers yet . . .