My Father and Mother Were Wandering Arameans...

It seems as though there is lots of inner movement going on within me. I've had deeply satisfying telephone conversation with both the Ex and his wife. Come to find out, his cancer is reeeeally rare - epstein-barr viral leiomyosarcoma, only about 20 cases or so have been reported. In some ways it is more treatable than the regular kind, but after surgery, it will be trying to balance the need for immunosuppressant drugs vs the need for antiviral ones. It was nice to talk with them without feeling that I had to protect myself at the same time.

The "Killer God" that was the deity of my childhood has been replaced with the Person of Jesus. When the concepts of the "Killer God" and the "Fake-em-out Jesus" were named and seen for what they were - false gods - I have been able to give up most of my fears about the end of the world and the state of the world as it is now. C.S. Lewis says in "The Great Divorce" that the gray city can either be seen as Hell or Purgatory depending on the direction you are heading. So, I think that the world now will be either seen as the beginning glimpses of Heaven or as the training ground of Hell. If the Real Jesus of the New Testament is truly as soul-freeing as I am perceiving, then this world can truly be the possibility of the glimpse of Heaven.

Along with this, I have become keenly aware of the soul-deadening qualities of patriarchy in this world. The prevalence of prostitution of women, both legal and illegal, the fight in the Episcopal Church over the ordination of women, and the demonization of women in cultures throughout the world, including our own, are truly evils in this world. I have been reading The Dance of the Dissidant Daughter by Sue Monk Kidd, and it has focused my thinking. I have no need to leave the Church as she did over patriarchy. Nor do I think that Goddess-worship is ultimately much improvement. God is truly neither male, nor female, but incorporates them both and transcends them.

What has become apparent to me is that I need a spiritual director/mentor/friend who can help me explore this new territory that I am moving into. When the need is there, one will arise. "Come, Lord Jesus. Fill the hearts of your faithful..."