Wednesday, October 9, 2013
The past couple of weeks have been a fast slide into despair and a hard slog to get out of it. Feeling abandoned and isolated in some of my previously "safe places." The angry outburst from my cousin, the request from Meg that I not attend her 40th birthday party, the announcement from church that the search did not find a rector, and the realization that it was the 3rd anniversary of Fred's death, and that his part of my life was truly gone. I feel very vulnerable, and that no one "has my back." Dear as Spencer is, he can not fill that void. I also feel that I have no sense of purpose. Why am I here? What now? Some glimmers of light come through but no answers yet . . .
Monday, March 18, 2013
This has been a long period of mostly being alone. My friend Sherri decided she needed to have a week alone so I missed my 5 day a week coffee buddy. My beloved companion had a Diocesan meeting this weekend and made no attempt to see me when he returned. So it will be two weeks since I have seen him. Then today he is quite ill and stayed home from work and slept. I am leaving it up to him as to when he will come here for the weekend. He keeps saying how much he loves me but his actions sometimes don't match his words. I have to keep reminding myself that we are companions not a married couple. I do not want to remarry, but I do like to have his company more regularly. This has been a very difficult 6 months, with the small stroke I had in September, then taking so very many falls, finally getting a diagnosis, vertebral artery stenosis, that predicts more strokes, either from risky surgery or just "kicking the can down the road." It is possible that I may not have as many years ahead of me as I had hoped. I am stronger than when it started but I am still taking some falls. I am being more careful and using my cane much more. This may be a condition that I will have to just live with. I am not morbid about it but I realize that I need to get some papers together for the kids. Lord, I would like to be healthy enough to see the grandchildren grown up.